Driving provided mom with the opportunity to go where she wanted, when she wanted. Dad was always immensely protective of "his" cars. It was not uncommon to hear him complain that mom was driving "too much," or putting "too many miles on the car." Although it was obvious to us that she missed him, his death allowed her to answer but to herself when it came to time and miles. We, therefore, dreaded the prospect of having to take her car.

Yet, many of our telephone conversations during this period were centered on her driving. She was still a safe driver, albeit an increasingly slow driver. We were also concerned that some of the people she drove to appointments were very demanding. It was obvious to us and some of her friends that these folks increased her anxiety considerably and that her driving performance degraded when they were in the car. Mom's first concession to us was to agree that she would no longer transport people but could continue to shop and run errands for them.

As time passed the number of small dents in the car increased. She also began to "lose" the car at the various places.

One day we received a call from two of her friends that they had each seen her driving the wrong way down a one-way street. Then mom called Pam, mid-morning, to ask if she knew where her car was? When Pam questioned her as to why she would know where her car was she said she thought one of Pam's kids might have it. She reminded mom that she (mom) was in Ohio while Pam lived in North Carolina. Mom replied that she knew but that the guys (Bob and Bill) were coming soon. (We were planning to be in Ohio in the next couple of weeks to talk about the car.)

She then told Pam that the car was not in the garage and she was sure she had had it yesterday. She could not recall at all where she had been or what she had been doing.

In fact, we learned that m om had gone to a local restaurant the day before to eat. She had parked on the side street but after eating had exited using another door. She  looked for the car but when she her search took her to the main street she simply walked home, forgetting what she had been looking for!

revised 4/7/2005

Lessons learned

Again, having a plan with measurable decision points was critical to being able to deal with her driving in a manner that limited the trauma for her. We had established for ourselves that any moving violation, accident or observation of unsafe driving would be our trip wire. We had also agreed that the observation would need to come from a small group of friends who frequently encountered her and whom we trusted.

The Power of Attorney had allowed us to contact the town's police chief some months earlier. He agreed to notify us should an event occur which involved her license plate. When mom "lost" the car she called the police and they notified us. We had the car picked up by a friend. We then called her, told her the car was safe and that we were all coming home to talk about it.

Our initial plan had included securing transportation for her if this happened. We knew how she normally used the car from our early discussions. All that was left at this point was to call friends who had agreed to be her drivers for her church, shopping and the beauty parlor.

This event was probably more difficult for all of us then the eventual move from the house. It represented a significant loss of independence for mom and was a a sign of losses to come. Because of the safety issues involved you must have clear in your own minds what represents behavior which poses a risk to your loved one or other individuals.